What’s in a Word–Do Our Words Really Matter?

Sticks and stones may break my bones
But names will never harm me.
Mrs. George Cupples, 1872

Like many people around the world, I have become increasingly concerned about the lack of civility in our public dialogue—especially over the past few years. It seems that we are increasingly losing our sense of decency and respect when we interact with others. I’m not sure what all the reasons for this disturbing trend are, but I’m quite sure I know one of them.

Over the past couple of decades, people have been spending more and more time communicating via technology—as opposed to communicating face-to-face. Because of this, we don’t have to try as hard to be agreeable and get along in social environments. More specifically, we no longer have to look into the faces of those we are communicating with and deal with their immediate and sometimes emotional responses to our words. As a result, we have become increasingly “direct” in our communications. Sometimes getting to the point can be a good thing, but often, when we are dealing with highly emotional or personal topics, directness can be counterproductive to effective communication.

Our communications seem to have deteriorated the most in situations where we are discussing issues where we disagree with the other person’s point of view. Such conversations have always been challenging, because it’s not easy to listen to another—often opposing–viewpoint with a truly open mind. Anciently, Aristotle wisely observed: “It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it.”

When we are discussing conflicting viewpoints with others face-to-face, most of us try harder to have an open mind while we explore the idea or situation fully. We actively listen in an effort to understand the other person’s point of view. Such an approach often leads to lively discussion and even vigorous disagreement. When face-to-face, most of us ultimately try to disagree agreeably with others. Conversely, when we discuss conflicting views via a screen (phone, tablet, computer), it is easy to forget that we are still communicating with people—with views, egos, and feelings. Thus, it becomes easier to dispense with intelligent exploration of ideas and, instead, resort to disrespectful rhetoric and ad hominem character attacks.

So, let’s go back to the title of this post, “Do Our Words Really Matter?”

When I was in the third grade, I attended a parent-teacher conference with my mother. At one point the teacher asked me to wait outside the classroom, on a chair that was provided, while she discussed a couple of things with my mother. Well, I wasn’t so far away that I couldn’t overhear their conversation. The teacher began by telling my mother that I was full of energy, and well liked by my classmates. Of course this made me feel great. Then, she told my mother that I was “slow in math.” I thought, “What does she mean? Math is one of my favorite subjects!” And you know what, I became slow in math, because I believed that my teacher knew more about my ability to do math than I did. It wasn’t until I was in sixth grade, and won a times tables competition, that I reclaimed my belief in my ability to be good at math.

Do Our Words Really Matter?

Early in my career, I was a manager at AT&T. Because I was in management, I had to work as an operator when the union operators went on strike. During one such strike, we had a clerical person in our office who was pregnant and whose partner had left her because he didn’t want kids. She had to work to pay her bills—she felt she had to cross the picket line. One afternoon she approached me and asked if I would walk her through the picket line after work. I told her that I would. After work, when we approached the picket line, one of her “friends” got in her face and screamed, “I hope you have a miscarriage, you pathetic bitch!” She started crying and almost collapsed in my arms as I walked her to her car. A few days later, the strike was over and everything went back to normal—or did it?

Do Our Words Really Matter?

These experiences, and many others, have taught me in powerful ways that “Yes, Our Words Really Matter!” As for those familiar words which many of us learned when we were young–written over a hundred years ago:

Sticks and stones may break my bones
But names will never harm me.
Mrs. George Cupples, 1872

Nothing more false was ever stated. The wounds from the sticks and stones will usually heal over time. Sometimes unkind and hurtful words can continue to hurt us for much longer—perhaps a lifetime.

I challenge all of us to work harder at being kind and respectful in all of our conversations with each other—especially those online. Let’s be careful to measure our words before we pour them, because once released, we can never truly bring them back.

Through his company, Daily Renaissance, Mark Swain teaches a workshop, and also has a speech, titled, It’s All About Communicating–Mastering Life’s Most Important Skill. Both the workshop and the speech have taught many people how to communicate more effectively. For more information, visit: www.dailyrenaissance.net