In this fourth and final article detailing what I did to conquer clinical depression and OCD and how I continue to manage my mental landscape on a daily basis, I will discuss two topics that I discovered were foundational for good mental health.
Topic number one: Be careful what you believe.
In article two, I cited research that suggested that much of the negative output of our internal “chatterboxes” is the result of the conditioning of our subconscious minds that took place during our formative years. We basically internalized much of what was going on around us as truth. Unfortunately, much of that “truth”—including stuff directed at us—was not only false, but very hurtful.
For example, during my formative years, I picked up the notion that I had to be perfect. Even though I didn’t see how it was possible, I felt I had to try, and try, and—well, you get the picture. That mindset and practice led to struggles with “perfectionism,” which is a common characteristic of people who struggle with OCD.
My perfectionism paralyzed me with fear and plagued me with shame and guilt. I remember one occasion, just as I had finished one of my self-deprecating diatribes, my mother grabbed me by the shoulders and said, “Stop apologizing for being alive. You have as much right to be here as anyone else—no more, but no less.”
After years of sadness and disappointment, I discovered that perfectionism tends to produce a vicious cycle. First, you procrastinate, because you’re afraid that you won’t be able to do something perfectly. Then, when you finally muster the courage and try, you face huge disappointment when you fail to do “it” perfectly.
Examine the word “perfect.” It connotes an absolute. But here’s the rub. Who gets to define what perfect means—and in what contexts?
In some situations, perfection is clearly defined and attainable. For example, if you have a math quiz with ten problems, where you get one point for each correct answer, and you get them all right, you get 10—a perfect score. However, applying a standard of perfection to many things in life becomes way more complicated.
As a professional speaker and workshop facilitator, I often get perfect scores on my evaluation forms. So, from the perspective of the participants, some level of “perfection” was achieved. From my perspective, I have never delivered a perfect speech or workshop. On the other hand, I have delivered many excellent speeches and workshops…
I recently completed this painting. Each time I look at it, I can see things that aren’t perfect, but I’m not going to take it out of the frame and fix them, because I now realize that there will always be something that I don’t think is perfect, and that standard of perfection never seems to remain constant. So, this is not a perfect painting—and never can be—but I do consider it to be an excellent painting.
Having worked my way through to the other side of perfectionism, I can share a couple of important things I learned: 1) Perfectionism is a fool’s game and a sure-fire prescription for depression, because “perfect” is so often illusive and/or unobtainable. 2) Pursuing excellence, on the other hand, is an empowering and rewarding experience, because our goals are often obtainable! In retrospect, most of what I have accomplished in my life does not bear the seal of perfection, but much of it does bear the seal of excellence. Today, in my pursuits, I use excellence as my standard and my goal.
One day years ago, in an effort to heal myself, I decided to write down the dis-empowering beliefs I had assimilated as a young boy and challenge them on paper. This exercise astounded me. The more I wrote, the more absurd many of the beliefs that had ruled my life appeared.
Then, where I deemed it desirable for my healing, I created affirmations containing empowering truths that refuted the falsehoods I had been conditioned to believe. I then read those affirmations on a regular basis to internalize my new truths. I have continued this practice for many years now. In fact, I recently updated my list of affirmations, to reflect my current situations and challenges in life.
My life experiences have taught me the importance of vetting so-called “Truth”—from whatever source in comes to us—before accepting it. My wife and children can tell you how many times they have heard me exclaim, “Question everything—yes everything!” I am convinced that Truth (with a capital T) can stand up to any breadth and depth of scrutiny. Falsehood, on the other hand, will wither and die during such a process.
It is also important to remember that today’s truth can be tomorrow’s falsehood as our knowledge increases. For example, when I was in high school, I learned in my chemistry class that hydrogen—the first element on the Periodic Table of the Elements—is the basic building block of the universe. Today, we know that is false science. Dark Energy and Dark Matter play much larger roles.
I am convinced that serious seekers of truth need an open mind, and a humble heart. History is replete with examples of people—including scientists—who continued to cling to beliefs even after they were proven wrong. That’s because we humans have a tendency to resist change—even when that change will ultimately make things better. We also tend to get our egos wrapped up in our beliefs, which is not a sound strategy for positive outcomes.
I love this quote by P.C. Hodgell: “That which can be destroyed by the truth should be.”
Now, before I leave this first topic, I want to say a few words about the important role intuition has come to play in my life when answering life’s most important questions, such as what work to pursue. Yes, I do my research and, yes, I seek expert advice, but then I go within to obtain my final answers. Doing so has served me well for many years. In fact, meditation has become an important part of my daily routine. Years ago, I read an article in a business magazine that really resonated with me. The writer had surveyed a number of top business executives and asked them how they made their most important decisions. The results? To the person, every one of those surveyed said that they relied on their intuition, their “gut,” their inner voice, etc., when it came to making important decisions.
Galileo, the great polymath, said, “You cannot teach a man anything, you can only help him find it within himself.” And the ancient, Chinese philosopher Lao Tzu said, “To the mind that is still, the whole universe surrenders.”
Topic number two: You have to love yourself if you want to live a happy and productive life
Some people claim that the most intelligent and gifted among us are those most likely to succeed in life. My decades as a teacher and coach compel me to disagree with that belief. I have observed, that those most likely to succeed in this life are those who love themselves deeply and believe that they are worthy and deserving of a happy and productive life.
When we were young, we were taught to treat others the same way we want to be treated—with kindness and respect. Most of us tried to treat others with kindness and respect, but some of us didn’t apply the same standard to ourselves. In fact, some of us failed to learn this important truth: In order to truly love and respect others, you have to first love and respect yourself.
I agree with this quote from the great comedian Lucille Ball: “Love yourself first and everything else falls into line. You really have to love yourself to get anything done in this world.”
Friends, I believe in a loving Creator who doesn’t make mistakes. I believe that everything in this universe has been made for a purpose, or it wouldn’t exist—including you and me. Furthermore, I believe that we are spiritual beings having a human experience, and that each of us has been gifted with a body that is perfect for what we wanted to experience in this life—and for what we agreed to help others experience. Each of us is unique in all of creation and capable of making unique contributions to this world.
I am convinced, that in order to succeed in life and be truly happy, we have to have the courage to fully be ourselves. We need to love, honor, cherish, encourage, develop, compliment—and forgive ourselves. And I suggest we each partner with our Creator to help us realize the highest vision of our individual lives.
In concluding this fourth and final article outlining what I did to conquer clinical depression and OCD—and how I manage my mental landscape on a daily basis, my wish would be that what I have shared will give hope to those who are suffering with mental illness that they, too, can heal—just as I did many years ago.
I would like to leave you with this quote from Eckhart Tolle, one of the many people who have inspired me during my life’s journey: “If you had not suffered as you have, there would be no depth to you as a human being, no humility, no compassion.”
Be well my friends and create an extraordinary day!